Nick Roach facing the camera with a lake behind
Nick Roach facing the camera with a lake behind
Nick Roach - Awake in the Dream
Nick Roach - Awake in the Dream

Becoming Cheyenne

This page was originally part of the online diary that I began when the Liberation began to happen here, all of which has since been published in the autobiography, but it's recently come up in converstaion in another place and I was asked to share it again. So here it is... 

(The New Beginning) 2012


A little over a week ago, after work, as we were driving to go away for the weekend (Sally was driving on this occasion, I was playing the role of the relaxing passenger), I was relaying to her how someone at work had said it was perhaps time that I relaxed and became more of a 'cool dude'; they had even suggested that perhaps I should grow my hair long or something...?


I said I was not sure about growing my hair specifically, but I could see, with the strict parental upbringing and the intense discipline that I had imposed on myself for most of my life, there really isn't a 'Me' in any external sense. By this I mean, for example, I have no sense of fashion or a specific character, and have never really tried to have. I am always smart, clean, 'neat', 'middle of the road', and apart from the energy someone may pick up on from me, there is nothing to identify me as anything at all. I just look from the outside as 'straight', 'nice', and even uptight and rigid, and these descriptions would be quite accurate. (It had been many years into my 'journey' before I finally relaxed enough to even ruffle up my hair a little - as I said, everything has always been 'neat' and controlled)...


Also, it may be woth mentioning that the strict upbringing during my childhood and schooling instilled in me an insecurity, and this was further nurtured throughout my working life as I repeatedly found myself in situations where the manager at the time was over-controlling and critical, or an outright bully. My enduring 'neat' appearance has possibly been a combination of a wish to please, combined with the fear that 'stepping out of the norm' would draw unnecessary negative attention to myself from those in authority which I really did not need; as well as it feeding my own need to be in control of something.


Anyway, back to the point of the story:


As I told Sally about this, and I agreed that I was indeed open to exploring this new, more relaxed and chilled out 'Me', and feeling a little strange about it, suddenly I had the image of an Indian's head in my mind. It was not a chief, nor a painted warrior, but a relaxed looking male Indian Brave, with long black hair and two feathers hanging loosely at the side of his head (possibly through a headband, but I did not notice this)...     


As I looked at this image, it remained, motionless (lifeless), left side on (so not looking at me); just 'being', and with a great inner-strength which was communicated to me as the essence and purpose behind what I was being shown. I did not know why I was being shown this specifically, but I could feel myself seemingly absorbing the strength from this image.


For the next few days it was there, prominent and at pride of place in my mind, whatever I was doing; and even now, as I write this over a week later, if I am reminded to look, there it is.


I wanted to find out more about this Indian aspect and did a few searches online. There were many Native American Indian tribes, but from the pictures I found and from what I read, the tribe known as the Cheyenne was the one that stood out, and for some deeper reason felt 'right' to me. I was cautious, but have since accepted and adopted this as being my Indian.

About the Cheyenne


There is a great deal of information online about this tribe, as well as many others, but I would like to share here a few of the more prominent points (to me) that I picked up:


Interestingly, the name The Cheyenne was not the name they gave themselves. One of the most common theories behind the name Cheyenne is that it means "a bit like the [people of an] alien speech" (literally, "red-talker"). ie. 'Those who speak a foreign language'. 


1) The Cheyenne Nation is composed of two united tribes, the Só'taeo'o (more commonly as Sutaio) and the Tsétsêhéstâhese (more commonly as Tsitsistas), which translates to "those like us" or "Human Beings."


2) The Cheyenne were a peaceful people, never looking for a fight. However, their warriors were the 'Dog Soldiers' and were reportedly amongst the most feared of all the Indian tribes. 


3) The Cheyenne were highly adaptable, and over the years spent time as hunters, fishermen, farmers, and nomads.


4) They had rules, and these were strict, but the rules only existed where necessary for the absolute good of the tribe; the people were mindful not to squash the individual's need for self-expression.


5) They thought very highly of the women.


6) During their time they affiliated with many other tribes, and some of the members of these joined them. There is even a story that during a battle with the Sioux many Sioux were captured, and these soon were absorbed into the Cheyenne tribe.


7) Being highly adaptable, their Dog Soldiers fought with the USA in the World War, and to this day the Cheyenne are one of the few tribes existing in the reserves in the US (though not surprisingly, the Dog Soldiers found it harder to adapt to reserve life).


The above points hit a core with me; the qualities and values are ones which I can relate to, and the culture as described is one which I believe I would have fitted into well. 

Reason for the image?


The above is all very well, but I was still a little bemused as to what it really meant. I had this image of an Indian Brave within me, and I was feeling stronger apparently due to this, and on investigation had found I liked their approach to life and living, but I was still not sure why I was being shown this...


At first I wondered whether this was something to do with one's Spirit Guide (so-called). I have never had reason to explore this subject, but it occurred to me, if I do have what someone else would refer to as a Spirit Guide, and these are often associated with some Native Indian type figure, it has to be an aspect my own Being. So, perhaps there comes a point in one's personal development at which they take on or absorb the attributes of their guide; the point at which the guide is no longer needed as there is nothing left to learn... ie. The guide was really the person's true nature, and having taken on some sort of separate form then assists them on the journey to realise themselves - the guide?


While the above was not impossible, it did not seem to ring true for me. This was partly because I have never had any dealings with this area and the only way to confirm this theory would be to go to a psychic who has. And the trouble with this is that it would mean relying on second hand information, which is not something I have had to do on my journey so far and did not wish to start now, right at the end when it most matters (let's say). Also, what if two psychics said different things? How would I know which one was 'correct? Should I just pick the one that suited my theory?


Then I asked (internally) whether this could be some sort of past-life connection, where I was recovering (or uncovering) memories from before? But this also did not fit right because, however many past-lives I may or may not have had, they are all past, and as such have no greater reality than this one here now. Therefore it did not seem logical that at this point, having come so far, that the highest level would be to re-realise an aspect of my past (however noble or spiritual that guise may have been, it is still past and part of the dream!).


So, I had to keep looking for a reason behind this image I was seeing, and for what I was experiencing as a result of it (or was the image as a result of the internal experience? - either way, they were/are connected).


Looking back, I remembered as a child playing Cowboys and Indians, or on my own playing only Indians. Regardless, whilst all my little friends were arguing over who would NOT be the Indians, as they all wanted to be Cowboys, I would have already kitted myself up in my own Indian outfit. It never occurred to me to be a Cowboy; why would I want to be? As an Indian I was closer to nature, more free and easy, more subtle, more creative?, and yet I was only 5 years+. Where did this come from? Whatever it was that steered me to be the Indian then, that has been my driving force throughout my life. I have lived a fairly 'normal' western lifestyle, but have struggled every step of the way. None of it has seemed natural to me. I play the game but don't really fit in... a bit like an Indian living an imposed and sterile half-existence in a reserve allocated to them by a greater force. (eg. The Cheyenne specifically make it their way to adapt and survive, but that does not make it easy or ideal).


As I have looked at this over the last few days, I remembered that Bernadette Roberts talked about her No Self experience being that of Christ permanently possessing her body as her own self fell away; thus was revealed to her the truth behind Christ's reincarnation, free from the physical structure and limitations. Her entire journey had been one of Christian contemplation as she studied the works of the saints, always travelling closer to God, but this was with the early knowledge that the end somehow related in someway to Christ:


I had the experience a couple of months ago of 'me' falling away and of a new energy moving in, with my memories but seemingly experiencing everything for the first time through 'my' eyes etc, but it was not connected with Christ, nor indeed any spiritual or religious figure. It was just something new; whatever remained when 'I' was gone. It has come to me only in the last day or so that what Bernadette Roberts experienced as Christ is very likely my Native American Indian Brave...


To further illustrate the point; there have been studies with people who have had near-death-experiences, some of whom describe meeting a religious figure, usually Christ himself. Apparently he has not needed to introduce himself to these people; they just knew intuitively who he was. I do not believe that a devout Muslim, Hindu, or Buddhist (for example) would also be met at the 'Pearly Gates' by Jesus Christ, as he does not have the same power for them. If such a figure was to meet them, it would have to be someone who symbolised or represented the same energy as Christ does for a Christian. (Funny though it is to consider it: can you imagine a person refusing to accept Jesus Christ and having an argument with him about how they will wait for someone else? No, it would not, indeed it could not happen.) We know everything is connected, 'One', and it is one's own self or Being that creates their existence, and as such it is their own Being that determines and creates their death and what is experienced as they pass from one 'reality' to the next...


So, with the above in mind, it seems clear that one's own mind creates the image or personality that most represents the deity required to assist in the process, and it follows that this should happen both at death and indeed in the (so-called) spiritual life before death.


(In fact, it has been said by many authoritative spiritual figures that the spiritual life, when taken to the ultimate, involves dying - psychologically -  whilst still alive.)


Accepting the reasoning above, as Christ holds little power for me (as I am not particularly religious), but the Native American Indians and their way of life did (and subconsciously always has), it is perhaps fitting that my end personality or figure would reflect this aspect! 

What does this mean?


Not much really, at least not to anybody else. This page (this site, and to a large extent our work generally) has been written as a record of my own journey and serves mostly to assist me in solidifying the experience and knowledge here. If others benefit from my sharing it, then that's great.   


However, I hope the point is gained throughout my teaching that the journey varies from person to person. If I could, I might make myself an Honorary Cheyenne, if only to acknowledge what I have gained from them and their power recently (or, more specifically, the link between my own spiritual development and what the image represented for me; I am not planning to plait my hair or wear moccasins). But, as we know, for Bernadette Roberts the 'deity' she made way for was Christ. For another person if could be someone or something else, or even nothing at all as they pass through it without incident. By all means read other's works if you like, but don't try to live another's life. It cannot work and is likely to result in unnecessary frustration.


Thank you


Running Bear

(only kidding)

The end of all experiences is simply to be...

Nick Roach

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